“Just leave me alone” , I retorted back at my friend. A “not so serious” discussion had ended up on a fiery note, the obvious reason being that her opinions never really matched mine. We needed to shut up and the only way to do so was not to talk , at least for the next two hours. I needed to be with myself – alone. I needed to sort things out.
The more I discuss the more unhappy I become ! In a way I just felt that more are the people around me, more are my expectations from each of them and lesser is my happiness quotient.
‘Solitude is the highest form of companionship ‘ , they say and true it was at least for that instant!
But what actually happened was that even two hours post my ended discussion my thoughts were still traversing on the words of despite exchanged and mentally I was continuing with my justifying thoughts cursing the hundred recent negative scenarios I had faced. My thought frequency never settled instead just took off at a faster pace. It wasn’t solitude that I was experiencing!
Solitude is a way positive term that describes and makes us experience a different degree of satisfaction for ourselves and our relationships. There is a difference between being in solitude  and being alone. Most of the time we use the label of solitude but actually  practice a different thing. Solitude in its pure form is the highest amount of energy we can cultivate but confusing it with negativity like being a loner is a great folly. Solitude is practiced when you are relaxed and satisfied and sit back to devote sometime for yourself providing it with some positive input.  What I was facing wasn’t solitude instead it was something close to loneliness.  I was disturbed by the fact that my friend couldn’t agree with my viewpoint and in addition to that I felt guilty over the fact that my dependence on her was so much that I couldn’t keep calm when she hovered away from my pattern of thinking. I started assuming and labeling her actions with things like taking me for granted and not UNDERSTANDING me. I was in dire need of her ACCEPTANCE and whenever a time comes when such a thing doesn’t happen I shift into a disturbed state and feel a sense of loneliness. What I realized was in no way did I find any solace in those two hours. A turmoil now with more number of problems and issues lingered on in my mind. I just realized that I had actually created a more resentful and angry thought process. Because I wasn’t ALONE in these two hours instead I was LEAST alone.
When we cage ourselves in such a situation and completely escape off from our friends and family we are actually putting ourselves in more trouble.
As the saying goes ” if you are lonely when you are alone, you are in a bad company”, pointing to the FACT that closing yourself from the world at a point when you are emotionally frustrated is like inviting a worse phase for yourself. In such a state of mind we tend to create scenarios which do not even exist in real life. An extremely negative state of mind forces us to see everything in a bad color and in a discolored state. We start becoming rigid and cold. We start viewing people and situations as weapons lined up against us. A sense of negativity for the people around us dominates our thinking pattern.
But then what should I have done at that time? If being alone at a such a point wasn’t a cool idea, even continuing with the blaming words and our arguments wasn’t also. So what really should I have done? Maybe listening to some positive advise from someone was a better option. Take for instance your best friend has a fight with her sibling and then texts you about that scene. She is really disturbed!  What would be your reaction? You would obviously cool her down and advise her to focus on the positive habits of her sibling and not be disturbed. You will find ways to cheer her up and help her in regaining her calm. The way your friend will now react will be way too different from the way she would have earlier behaved. Maybe if she hadn’t texted you she would have thought about a hundred scenarios where her sibling wasn’t good to her but now maybe she is ready to sort out things with her sibling just because her mind is now in a calm state and whatever she thinks now is rational thinking and not a frustration driven  thought pattern.
That is where the essence of the fact lies. We also at such a time need a relieving pill in the form of a person or some positive input. At such a point we should either discuss with a person who will lighten our mood or indulge ourselves in something positive like listening to a positive lecture , writing ten positive things about our life or something similar which shifts our attention towards positivity. We should not close ourselves because that is synonymous to poisoning ourselves. We need to surround ourselves with positive energy and people. We need to reinforce the fact that life and people love me! We need to remove ourselves from the label of DEPENDENCY and consequently from the feeling of LONELINESS. The more you push yourself in the alone category more remorseful we tend to become! Surrounding ourselves with chirpy people who laugh things out instead of being too critical about them is the secret to elevate your feeling especially at times when you are emotionally drained out. So don’t be disheartened when things don’t work in the way as I expect them to be instead look for more positive thrusts in life!
The crazy mingles deafen,
venomous words strangle,
The world staging its shuddering gamble,
Look down upon me,
blurting out a traumatic fumble!
The loneliness haunts my trifling silence,
Whispers diminishing reliance!
But then again fortune shines,
Clouding away resentful whines,
A friend enters easing the walk,
resounding hard makes a knock!
The laughs shout and discolor the black,
Cheers heaped in my sack!
The maze soon clears the hint,
Stabilizing every trivial tilt !!



My phone beeped as I got another memory full reminder. Searching through the file manager I searched for videos and photos that I could delete. Some of the media I hadn’t even seen. As I clicked onto one of the videos it gave me an option panel so as to select the software required to run it. After I made the selection another panel appeared which asked whether I always wanted to play such files with the selected software or just this time.
I selected the “always” option as I didn’t want to be bothered again by such a selection.  I continued my ordeal of viewing and deleting the waste and keeping the useful. In the process I stumbled upon a video which didn’t play in the player I had earlier selected. I didn’t know how to change it because the options no more appeared ( a consequence of my “always” choice ) . I felt helpless and regretted the automatic choice I had taken. Not wasting more of  my time in filtering my phone I smashed it on the sofa and left the place.
I headed towards the kitchen , the  string of thoughts still continuing in my mind and unmindful of what to do next with my life , opened the refrigerator door and stared. I didn’t know for what I had done it, maybe to look for something to eat  or pass my time or what! I just stood there and STARED. I closed it and searched for the TV remote-my next solace. But in that too I just kept flipping the channels nowhere to stop and judge what I wanted to see or do. Two minutes later I was standing in front of the refrigerator door and staring again at the contents inside. I suddenly realized that this was the second time I had opened it without any clear thought or motive. I mean I didn’t even THINK before getting up and landing at the same place for the second time. WAIT! How can I do something without thinking? And strange it was that I felt that almost 90% of the actions I perform everyday are without apparent thinking! I mean most of the time I don’t even think about the task that I do. Right from the route I follow to reach my college to the breakfast I order in the college canteen , everything is automated! I don’t think and guide myself in doing many things, all just happens! My mind and body are rarely together. Most of me is automated. My actions no longer seek my permission or ask me the way to do things. And that is what later becomes my habit!. Right HABIT!
What is basically a habit? It is automated way of working. Whenever we have to do something our mind works in three steps.
First a thought sprouts  about a particular task. This thought is then CONSIDERED by the mind and a judgment  is made whether the thought has to be followed or not. After the mind gives its decision our body is directed towards the action.
Take for example you are in an exam and you have a really difficult and important exam paper in front of you. You desperately feel the desire to cheat a particular answer but the problem is that you have never cheated in an exam before. So you happen to fall in a dilemma where you have to choose either your career or your values.
So in this instance the THOUGHT is “Should I cheat?” and this thought is given to the mind for judgment. The mind decides and makes a decision .  Say the decision is in favor of cheating and a justification follows justifying the decision the mind takes. So the decision goes “Its okay to cheat. I am doing it for the first time because its my need otherwise my future may get destroyed”. And the action taken is cheating!
Now the second time you are sitting for an exam and in a similar situation the time you take for the decision making is comparatively less as you have earlier faced a similar situation. So the second time also the mind approves the task of cheating but with a comparatively lesser thinking .
But by the fifth time you are faced with the same situation you skip the second step and directly commit the action of cheating as you have justified yourself many times before! Whenever you are placed in a situation similar to this you just think of cheating and act directly without taking the decision or judging your thought.
This process in which we skip the judgment part and directly act on the basis of previous experiences it is called a habit. HABITS are an embodiment of the automated way of working!
images (3)
As far as the daily chores are concerned these habits don’t really matter but when it comes to our behavior these play a major role. If someone tells me you are short tempered I mostly retort by saying that this is my way of working and I wont CHANGE. Its my habit.
And strange enough we all have our belief systems rigid enough to tell us that habits don’t change!
But we just realized that habits are nothing but actions which skipped the decision making part. So changing a habit means realizing the second step again!
But the real problem is that we make the habit OURS. We associate the habit with our personality. What we don’t realize is that it is something that I have ACQUIRED and not something that I always had. I consciously CHOSE a way of doing things and I still possess the power to ALTER it.
If I am addicted to smoking doesn’t mean I should start calling myself a SMOKER, because the moment you do so you start owning the habit more and gradually you start skipping the first step as well and you don’t even think before you take out a cigarette and start smoking it. The thought part also skips. What you are left with is action.
What we need to realize is that before I start owning the habit or sticking it to me I need to JUDGE! I need to pay attention to the second step again and make a decision that whether I need to continue with it or not. If I have the habit of crying at every small disaster that hits me doesn’t imply I have to call myself emotional. Its a habit and it is different from me. Just like the dress you wear is different and separate from your body and can be changed whenever you are willing to do so, similarly habits are different from me and there is no need to identify with them. You can change them when you will to.
There should be times when we should come out of our automated system and assess ourselves and our habits otherwise the ALWAYS feature may act as a trouble for us. So before approving your thoughts and taking decision, think carefully because these become habits and a way of thinking and changing them requires an extra effort plus extra time. Stop every morning to analyze the words that you use for yourselves and change them these in any way harm your personality. Not only this pay close attention to the thoughts you approve everyday as these become your lifetime labels.
images (4)
The pencil writes leaving an impression,
  presenting to me a lifetime suggestion,
 the past reveals itself in the future pages,
leaving a mark for ages!
yes my decision today,
will take its say,
And shine above my intellect,
my knowledge and my every fact!
I am not a servant whom habits can dictate,
I am their master designing my fate!
 Appearances are deceptive- yes its true,
depend on your yourself as there is no crew!
CHANGE what shows to the world,
A victorious flag higher in its position hurled!
images (2)


EIWARDROBE36361693175DEEPPURPLE1_1401177346 (1)

A cleaning campaign began in my house, as my mother directed each member of the family towards some cleaning. I snorted at the site of my almirah and regretted not maintaining it in a clean manner throughout the year. Now I had to put an extra effort and clean the things up. As I opened it up, a huge lot of things fell over me. The belongings now took the floor too, making the scene all the more messy. It seemed as if I had all the more dirtied the place. The mess of the almirah had conquered the floor. It took me nearly two hours categorizing the things, discarding the waste ones and rearranging the useful ones back again in the almirah.
After those stressful two hours I smiled proudly at my achievement. I had finally done it. The impossible task which I had been procrastinating since months, was now done beautifully.
A physical cleaning up session had given me so much of satisfaction. I wondered at the satiety a personal emotional cleaning would provide. But then again I thought! There were a hundred of things in my attitude that had always made me feel guilty, whether that be a mood swing, or a rigid way of behaving, Or a habit that had too much power over my ability to control the same. I mean there were so many things about myself that I had been trying to overcome. It is not that, that I didn’t want to heal myself but why weren’t things working up. Why hadn’t the cleaning be successful. I pondered again at the almirah thing. Maybe I was just seeing the mess, the untidiness of my habit!! This mess made me too weak to clean up. And even if I had begun my cleaning I never could wait for those two hours for the mess to clear up.
I always was too overwhelmed with the mess that I failed to see the cleaning up I had already done. I realised that feeling guilty about some personality trait of mine was the first step towards cleaning myself. But eliminating the habit completely too would take some time. Similar to the almirah anecdote where the mess appeared to double up as I opened it, this trait of ours becomes more visible to us as we try and clean it up. And maybe this fact brings in more disappointment in us, in a way weakening us. What I realised was that we have to wait and continue with our efforts of cleaning up until we achieve it. We shouldn’t be disheartened by the repeated mistakes we do even after realising them. We need to continue our effort of organizing ourselves. Because what appears to be may not always be  the reality. To build a more beautiful building we have to destroy the previous one giving way to a shabby outlook. But soon we know we will transform this mess into a beautiful thing altogether. Exactly like this we should not loose hope in times when we cannot commit to a transformation. Instead we should denote our full time to it and wait patiently for the result. We would definitely be able to conquer our habits and moods, we just need to focus on the future that we are creating and not brood over the misguiding present that we see!!

Ending my thoughts with a poem,

The mess around disheartens,
None of my sins it pardons,
I know I have tried my best,
Why do I continue to fail the test?
Maybe then I realize,
It takes time to break the messed up ties!
No doubt the darkness disheartens,
But life isn’t all about closed up cartons!
I need to believe in the light that is to come,
And not let my feelings go numb!!
It has to rain before the rainbow shows,
A future in it sows!
Believe in the future of your dreams,
Wait before the unravelling of the beautiful realms!


download (1)

Glancing upon the empty door I stood,
Thinking about everything that I could,
The jolting memories hurt me again,
Like the strike of a forceful cane.
There are times so good,
But also things that are rude,
Difficult to stop and judge,
All left is a filthy smudge!

The seasons change,
Our emotions these cage,
The cuts are deep,
But one day everything will seep.
This victim feel is good,
Like a cool hood!
The thoughts again turn a mess,
but no one takes a guess!!

May be my inside world replies,
While my breath still sighs,
I force again and twirl my lips,
A smile appears drinking the sorrow in sips!!
Everyday I laugh a lot,
Trembling at the thought of being caught!
Everyday this loud laughter chides,
And sends into oblivion the deep bites!
Yes again I stand stronger,
Giving me the power to fight longer.





Unmindful of my thoughts I mustered into my old room. It had been long since someone had visited it. Smelling of dust and disguising itself under the nets of spooky spiders, the room presented to be a total mess. Crumbled old things awaited me in a corner. As I sat sorting the things I discovered some of my childhood items. What grabbed my attention was a pair of sunglasses. I remembered the crazy childhood times when sunglasses  were a treat to me. Different shades lay there as I began trying them on my overgrown face now. Blue, black, yellow, …..I had all of them. Wearing them one by one I saw the way my view changed. Yellow showed me yellow, blue showed me blue and and my favourite black showed everything dark.

A thought conjured upon me the very next moment. These shades changed the way I saw things, coloring them in their own shade. The real color , the real essence became tinted. A thing crossed my mind. Something similar occurs in our real life as well. Maybe the way we talk to people, or the way we  see our situations, or the way we see ourselves and our life, everything maybe tinted!!!

But the next question…tinted by what???

Maybe our belief systems, our opinions, our experiences, our way of judging all act as the shades through which we view life. I mean take a simple situation, you meet a person the very first time, what happens in our mind. Don’t our thoughts just begin? Right from the brand of the person’s clothes to the way he looks, we have an opinion already! We just create an image of him, a shade to look through! And the strange thing that happens to be is that we haven’t even talked.

Take another , you are going to meet a friend’s friend. Now before you actually meet, you already have your shade ready, based upon what your friend thinks about him/her. Now you would say what is bad in creating a view ? After all there is this friend’s EXPERIENCE that backed you. I would say there is a lot of bad. Okay give this a thought, how many personalities do you have?? I mean do you talk or interact with all of your friends, family, elders, younger in the same way?? With the same feeling?? The answer is no! With each person we have a different experience, a different approach and a totally different attitude!

You know we all have this habit of living on our belief sytems or more specifically rash belief systems. We create them and even while we create them we do it absurdly. Over the top we form belief systems that are rigid. Why can’t we be flexible? Why can’t we give time and space to the situation,place and person  to explain themselves. Why do we need to rush things and opinions? My point here is that our thoughts shouldn’t be clouded by our judgements. We should give the other person a chance. We shouldn’t tint it with things like appearance, someone’s opinion and our past experiences. If something happens to us once doesn’t mean it will always happen in the same fashion. Things, people, situations everything is destined to change. No person, No situation and no thing in our life is permanent. If we have a rude teacher doesn’t mean that all teachers are rude. When we base our thoughts on miscalculated judgements we deprive ourselves of the real potential of someone or something. We take ourselves further away from reality. Let’s pledge today to remove our shades of opinions and judgements and view things in the way they are. Let’s not be unjust towards our own thinking and give a chance to life!!

Signing out with some thoughtful rhyme,

Clouds appear as I try to look,

Blurring my vision from every nook.

The reality hides itself somewhere,

Making my opinions unfair.

Standing again I clean my glass,

There on a distance a beautiful vase.

 A view so good cheers me up,

As if a sweetener in my cup.

Let’s again give the other a chance,

And enjoy the beauty of the real dance!!😊